I originally wrote this on Labor Day.
Like many, I am not working today, but my mind is working overtime as I embark on re-opening my own business, a business of healing. I’m thinking about wholeness and what I’ve learned from others about its important role. Brene Brown says that folks who live “whole-heartedly” have higher shame resilience, and a better quality of life. She explains that everyone has shame, but those that internalize their “brokenness” believe at a deep level that they are flawed, and therefore not worthy of connection and belonging. This belief is powerful. It is so powerful that it can stop people from getting better. Energy follows intention. If one focuses on the fissures, the gaping holes and weaknesses, those elements build momentum. Connection and belonging, incidentally where healing takes place, doesn’t have a chance.
So, it’s simply a matter of positive thinking? Turn that frown upside down! No. That may be the most useless phrase of all time. Positive thinking is a fine tool, and it certainly has its place, but this is about shifting core beliefs. I have lots of thoughts: What should I have for breakfast, coming to a complete stop at stop signs is a waste of time, the quality of toilet paper matters…………but a core belief is who I truly internalize as who I am. I am un-loveable, unlucky, unsuccessful. Suffering comes from a belief system that says I cannot be fixed, I am hopeless. But, what if I came from a place that says: “I’m not broken. I’m whole, but could stand some polishing, re-training and overdue care.” Often clients are not able to own this shift right away, and we helpers of the world have to shoulder the majority of this burden, at least in the beginning. This is why our outlook as clinicians is SO important.
A colleague that I respect gave me a copy of this quote recently by Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen: “Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment of life itself. When we fix others we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them.” “When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time.” Thanks, Roxanne, this solidified something in me that I’d been coming to for some time, and it’s such a relief to know I don’t have to “FIX” anyone or anything. The gift I get to deliver is true service. It is a different vision, of self, of life experience, of connection.
The helpers along my own journey to wellness, that have reached me, have done so with love. They have never said to me: “You really are a mess. Let’s get to work before you ruin the rest of your life.” Instead, the message has been one coming from respect. It has trusted that every choice I’ve made, every turn my life has taken, has had a purpose for my higher learning and was not a series of mistakes and missteps, but instead a path of necessity, probably keeping me from something worse, and surely allowing me to arrive where I am today. The angels in skin that have sat across from me over the years debating my own self-fulfilling prophecies never instructed me to change. People change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of what could be. People change when they are good and ready, but I do believe we can help them along if we nurture and support from a place of wholeness. Coming from a place of ampleness is not about perfection. If anything, it is the opposite. It’s about acceptance that everything is as it should be, and more will be revealed. We can all be better versions of ourselves, but not from a platform of judgment and condemnation.
In my work, it is my intention to view every client with this constitution of inclusiveness. My commitment, in turn, is to continue to do my own due diligence, so that I may remain a vessel through which Spirit can transmit.